Today has been a hard day for me. I can’t seem to get a grip on things. I feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders, and I am sinking into the ground slowly. It’s like quicksand is under my feet and every time I move, I get sucked down further and further. Life just keeps life-ing and I can’t get a hold of things. One moment I feel like I got it all together and the next moment I don’t. Why can’t my life be simpler? What did I do to get myself in this situation? Where did I go wrong? Why can’t I just wake up and the world be good to me? All these questions run through my mind and have been keeping me up late into the night.
What is going on Aisha? Why are you feeling so depleted? What is going on in your life right now that’s got you in this funk? What is the plan to get you out of this funk?
What’s going on in your life right now?
This week has been a week. I lost the last living grandmother in my life. Although I knew her time here on earth was coming to an end sooner rather than later it still hurt. I think what bothered me the most is not being able to see her one last time before she passed away. The last time I laid eyes on her was right after Christmas. She was my husband’s grandmother, however, the moment she met me she was my grandmother too. We had a bond like no other. I remember the days of just hanging out with her and watching her cook. She is the one who told me I was pregnant with my first born before I knew I was pregnant. She just knew me like that. Like my maternal grandmother, Big Mama also suffered from Dementia/Alzheimer’s. Watching the decline of your love is hard. Watching Big Mama go from her vibrant self to non-verbal was very difficult to watch. She gave such great advice and not being able to get that from her anymore took some getting used to. What hurts the most is at least when she was non-verbal, I could talk to her and be in her presence. But now…it's just a conversation of the memories. The day my husband called I was sad because I was not able to be there physically for him and be with the family, however, there was a sense of relief that she along with my husband were surrounded by family. I loved that she was able to leave this world on her own time and peacefully in her sleep. But I still was hurting knowing I was here in Maryland and my husband was left to grieve his grandmother without me by his side. Finances are not where I need them to be right now and I need to figure out how I can get me and the boys to Los Angeles to say our final goodbyes to Big Mama and be with family. The stress is taking over my mind right now. How are we going to do this? I can’t even talk to my husband about this right now. He has too much going on. He just lost his grandmother, the woman who raised him…what would I look like adding to his stress and pain?
My oldest son moves back to school in two weeks. We fly to Los Angeles for the funeral this week. My emotions are all over the place. Planning and packing all at once. Making sure my son has everything he needs for college and packing all his stuff while packing for Los Angeles. Suitcases and boxes are all over the house. I feel empty. No more grandparents to love on and love on me. No more family stories from the ones who lived through it all. No more embarrassing childhood stories about my husband to laugh at. No more big hugs! Oh how I miss those hugs. I am also going to miss the random bust through my bedroom door with a big kid jumping on me just to say hi. I am going to miss hearing, “I love you mom!” through my bedroom door.
Who said adulting was fun? I just want to be a kid again. I miss the days where the only worry I had was making sure I maintained a 4.0 GPA or what outfit I was wearing to school. Growing up I would take on a lot of tasks to stay busy, but now I feel like the tasks are taking over me. I don’t feel in control of my own life right now. I feel like my life is controlling me. Being a wife, a mother, moving across the country, getting a new job, losing loved ones, bills…bills…bills, no friends, old friends, it's just all so much.
So how do I get out of this funk?
Pray and let go. Know that this too shall pass.
As far as my kid in college…I know he will be home for the holidays so I will be ok. Yes, I miss my grandparents, but they are in a better place and free from pain. I will hold on to the memories we shared and find peace. Bills…well those are always there but the plan is to get with a financial advisor to help my family navigate through a real BUDGET. So, while I feel depleted at this moment, I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel…it may be dim but it's on. I just need to find some time for myself to recharge.