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Am I Extra AF??

You do not need to do a lot to get a lot: The lived experience of an EXTRA AF person. 

Let us lay out some facts: 

  1. I am EXTRA AF. No lie. I know it. I have accepted it. I actually love it. It is me. 

  2. Sometimes being EXTRA AF has consequences like doing too much in health, helping, stretching boundaries, lifting weights, time management. 

  3. My EXTRA AF nature was never too much for me until…..recently. 

  4. I am EXTRA AF with my plants too. Ha!

Ok I am a plant lover. We know this. I have written about it in other blogs, I talk about my plants, and I use them as examples and analogies of life. Through being a plant mom, I realized that I be doing the most. I read books and articles for my plants, have apps that I use, spray bottles with distilled water and food to keep them looking fresh, move them around my house (my kids and wife asked me to stop buying plants…during the pandemic, they said the house looked like a jungle), and I water them regularly. I am a Virgo so I like routines and predictability. 

Over the past few years, I have been able to keep a wonderful hold on my plants by doing what I felt was right, which was clearly EXTRA AF. But, oh but, there have been some plant deaths, some soul wrenching, why did this happen, why me, plant deaths and….its because I was EXTRA AF. 

How, you ask? 

Well, I was watering them. 

Right, that seems like a natural thing to do. Plants need water. They need some sun and some love but we all know they need water, right? Right!

But I was watering them too much or too often. And, generally this is fine….for the plants that need a lot of water. But, baby, my poor succulents, and a few other plants, were over me. See, I am not the plant mom that exposes them to too much sun. I do not want to get burned and I do not want them to get burned. I am not the plant mom that leaves them in pots for too long. No ma’am, that is my style. But I have realized that I am the plant mom that gives them too much of what I want or do. I love water and I thought ALL my plants loved water too.


But I have learned that some of them thrive with very little. Some of them need just a tad bit of water and to be left alone. 

But oh, no, that was not working for me because I do too much.


And, in doing too much, I killed some of my plants. 

While this seems like a futile and unnecessary blog, I want to share that I have taken my increased self-awareness as a person who gives what I want and doing it to the MOST EXTRA AF extreme, and applied it to my relationships with people. 

I have been thinking, what is my role in the end of friendships, the end of partnerships, the end of things that I didn’t want to end. (Refer to the Onyx Therapy Group- Grown Ass Women podcast, Season 3 Episodes 3 & 4). And I got down to the root of it. I be doing too much. Yup, that simply. 

Now see, my “doing too much” and being EXTRA AF is never intended to be negative. I do too much like: 

  • I answer the phone every time a close friend calls, even if I am in the middle of a project (Result: Crossing my work boundaries). 

  • I physically show up for people even when I am tired (Result: Crossing my sleep and rest boundaries).

  • I give money when people ask for it (btw- when did people start asking for $500 instead of $50) (Result: Crossing my financial and budget boundaries)

  • In a conflict, I take responsibility for my actions first and help guide people to see what their role was in the conflict too (Result: Crossing my self-care boundaries because I must work on people for them to see how they hurt me. I cannot “just hurt” because the people I have been around are used to me taking responsibility and not seeing their role). 

  • I am a connector so I connect people. “Oh, you are an engineer with a construction company?! Well let me introduce you to ______ because they are a financier of companies like yours and may be able to give you an expansion grant”. (Result: Well, I love doing this but people do not often return the favor. They think that since I know a lot of people, I do not need to know their new associate who may be able to help me). 

  • I share ALL my ideas and tips. If I am doing a water challenge, I ask people to do it with me. If I am increasing my strength training routine, I ask people to do it with me. If I am budgeting, I ask people to do it with me. (Result: I do not really leave things just for me. I share everything…and that is not fair to the Giver of God who gifted certain things just for me. For instance, if I give my children a nice pair of shoes, I do not want them to share those shoes with their whole basketball team. The shoes were just for them).

I just be doing too much. And, no, I do not do too much in bad things. It is always helpful. But I’ve noticed that in being EXTRA AF in these areas, I’ve had a role in the end of situations because: 

  1. Since my intentions are good, I always hope that the outcomes would be good FOREVER

  2. Since my intentions are good, I hope that if/when I am in need, reciprocity would be on the forefront of people’s mind. 

  3. Since I am consistent, I think that people will give me grace in the rare moments that I cannot show up for them

  4. Since I am consistent, people become dependent on me to be a certain way….and when I am not that way, it seems to spark some anger, frustration, and confusion that they intentionally take out on me (Chile the stories for this one)

  5. Since I give so much and so often, there is less for me to give to myself….so when I am in need and few people show up for me and/but, I cannot show up for myself, I stay low and depleted longer

  6. Since I give so much and so often, I set the standard so high that people begin to resent me. 

Listen, I am not a victim here. But, much like watering my plants too much, if I do too much, I “spoil and rot the roots” and there is no way for life to continue to grow when the roots are bad.


Listen, I am not a victim here. But I take responsibility for my role. So even good intentions can have bad outcomes. 

Listen, I am not a victim here, But I am learning myself and applying the wisdom as I go. 

So, I LOVE being EXTRA AF and that probably wont stop. But, I will use observation, discernment, and wisdom to know when to water the plants (aka people) in my life and when to know that they need less, in order to thrive.

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