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Loss of a Dream…but You Can Keep Dreaming!


I want another baby–he does not.


With the new Little Mermaid movie coming out it stirred up some past hurt that I thought I pushed out of my brain years ago. Watching all the moms having mommy/daughter dates to go see the movie reminded me that I would never get to have the mother/daughter bond like I had with my own mother. For years I yearned to be a Girl Mom. I always felt like there was a missing part of me. I have two wonderful sons, but I always wanted to try again for a daughter. Yes, I have nieces and goddaughters who I adore and love spending time with, but there is a little void in my heart.


My husband and I have had so many conversations about children after we had our two sons. One evening we had a discussion and decided, no more babies after I turned 35 and no more babies once our youngest turned 10. I thought I was ok with all that until…I was not. There was a pain in my chest I could not get rid of. At the time, I was not sure what the pain was from. I just know it was bothering me more and more as each day passed. I would go out shopping and for some reason I kept finding myself in the little girl aisle. I would justify it by saying, “Oh I am just going to look around.” I would stand there imagining me walking through the little girl section holding my daughter’s hand and picking out all the cute outfits. I pictured her little face saying, “Oh mommy can I get these pink bow socks to go with the skirt in the basket.” My mind would then begin to imagine her little face lighting up as we walked past the dolls and barbie section in the store. She would be just like I was as a little girl, having all the Barbie items in the store at home but mom still finding something she did not have and picking it up for her. As I stand in the aisle dreaming of what my life would be like with a little girl, I would feel the tears slowly fall down my face. But why do I feel like this when I know we talked about this? Why does it bother me so bad? The answer is simple…it’s not what I really wanted. It was what he wanted. He did not want any more kids. He had his daughter from a previous relationship, and he had his sons. He did not have a void to fill like I did. I was angry with him for a long time. I felt it was unfair that he got to have the BEST of both worlds and I was missing out. I felt like he took my dream away from me. When someone would ask us when we were going to have a little girl and he would respond, “I have a daughter, we don’t need anymore kids,” I could feel the fire running through my veins. How dare he speak for me. Yes, I love his daughter like she was my own, but we never got to build that deep relationship (she lived with her mom, and we did not see her much as she was growing up). The times we did get to have her with us I felt a little less void in my heart. We would do everything together, but there was still something missing. She was not my daughter, she had a mom, she would eventually leave to go back HOME.


But it was not just about having a daughter. I love being a mom. Taking away the choice or making me decide between motherhood and my marriage just was not fair. It was cruel. It was hurtful. I resented my husband for some time. I felt like he was being selfish and only looking out for what he wanted. I did not feel supported by him. It caused a huge rift between us. For me, I have always wanted a big family. I was the little girl who had her life planned out. I wanted a husband and four kids (2 boys and 2 girls). So, for me, I was not living out my dream stopping after the 2 boys. But what can I do? I could not force my husband to give me more children. Why did I put his needs before mine? Does that make me a horrible person? Should I have pushed harder? These are all questions I would ask myself. Don’t get me wrong, my husband had valid reasons for not wanting to have any more children. I just wanted what I wanted. I did not want to hear him at all, which was not fair to him either. This was hard for both of us.


It took some years for me to finally be ok with not having anymore kids. My husband and I had to have several conversations about this topic. This time it was different. I felt heard, but I also heard him. He reminded me that I have some amazing friends and family who all have little girls and I get to be a part of their lives and do for them like I would for my own daughter if I had one. It’s funny because one of my cousins has two daughters. Her youngest daughter is often referred to as my little twin. We act so much alike. We joke all the time and say I had her sons, and she had my daughters because my boys are so much like her, and her girls are like me. But I also had to look at the bigger picture. One of the last conversations with my husband we talked about the fact that not having any more children does not mean I am not living out my dreams. It just means it’s time to dream again and set new goals. After looking at it that way the anger has gone away. I am excited to see what the future holds for me and the family. I get to date my husband, something we don’t get to do often. We spent all our 20’s and 30’s focused on living our lives just for the kids. Now it's time to live for us. I love being a mom and I know one day (NOT ANYTIME SOON) I will be an amazing Lovey (still deciding on the name my grands will call me – I have time…) one day.


Anyone dealing with this in their marriage–the best advice I could give is keep the line of communication open. Be willing to hear ALL sides of the story and come up with a healthy balance.


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