Love Language
Have you heard about the 5 love languages? Gary
Chapman wrote a book called “The 5 Love Languages,
The Secret to Love that Lasts”.
What are they?
1. Words of Affirmation
2. Physical Touch
3. Receiving Gifts
4. Quality Time
5. Acts of Service
Have you ever taken the quiz to find out your love language? During marital counseling
our counselor had my husband and I take the 5 love language quiz to find out our
personal love language in order to better understand how to love each other. While
taking the quiz and finding out what my love language is, I found out so much about
myself. The quiz was the missing piece to the Aisha puzzle. But how does my love
language align with those around me? How can I love someone if we don’t have the
same love language?
My primary love language is Quality Time. What does that mean? Quality time refers
to showing love and affection by spending dedicated time together. For people whose
love language is quality time, nothing says “I love you” like full, undivided attention from
those you love” Gary Chapman, PhD. My idea of quality time is connecting with one
another and being in each other’s space, in a good way. It means cuddling up on the
couch and watching a movie together while sharing a bowl of popcorn. It means
spending time with someone, doing things they like, you like or both of you like. Simply
put…it just means spending time with someone.
Wanting to spend quality time steams back to my childhood. When I was younger my
my parents divorced, and I lived with my mom. My dad moved on and had another woman
with kids that he focused his time on. He would spend a lot of his time with them which
left me out. I just wanted to spend time with him. I wanted to matter like they did. So
often I just wanted to be in his space. I know I have talked about the history of my dad
so I won’t hash on it too much here. However, not having him spend time with me
had me feeling like an outcast. I did not feel loved. Now that’s not to say I did not get
love from others like my grandfather or bonus dads but that missing piece of my life was
my dad. I wanted that extra sense of love from him. So as I grew up and started dating
I felt like the best way to feel loved by someone is to spend time with them ALL the time.
My husband does not share the same love language as me. This often causes a
problem for us. He is used to doing things on his own and I ALWAYS want to do
everything together. I have been told that it comes off as needy. But it's ok…I don’t
mind. I do need that quality time. I need that companionship. Now just because my
husband does not share the same love language, we have learned to work through it. I
have had to learn to put time limits on the time we spend. But let me tell you, it was not
always easy. We had to agree on a time frame as I would want the whole day or even
weekend EVERY weekend and he would be like a girl. I need my space. I love being
around him and learning new things about him even after being with him for almost 20
years. But how can I do that if we are not around each other? That was a question I
would have often. How are we learning about each other and loving each other if we
are not spending time together? However, he has shown me that there are other ways
we can do this without being around each other all the time. We have chosen some
T.V. shows that we both like and we dedicate time to watch those programs together.
Sometimes we watch a few episodes and sometimes it’s just one. Now don’t get me
wrong when we only watch one, I kind of get in my feelings because I want more, but I
have to understand it’s a lot for him too.
When I became a mom, I just knew I would never have to worry about quality time with
my kids. I wanted to make sure we spent as much time together as possible. We
would do everything together. We even cleaned the house together, which I am sure
was not their favorite part. Up until they started playing sport all the time, we would do
something almost every weekend. Even if it was a stroll in the apartment complex, I
made sure it was time we spent together. As they got older that time started to dwindle
away. I know my kids love me, but them not wanting to spend time with me anymore
made me feel, ummm not wanted. My heart knows it’s just them growing up and
wanting to do other things outside of being in my space, but head keeps telling me
otherwise. Like I have done with my husband, I need to find a way to still get my quality
time with them but not be so overbearing with it. I don’t have much time as one is
already in college and the other one is 1-short year away from leaving the house. The
other day I had a conversation with my youngest son, and he told me, mom it’s not that I
don’t like spending time with you, it’s just we don’t share the same likes anymore. Oh,
that one hurt me. He was the one that I could always depend on spending time with
me. We used to share the same likes in T.V. shows, movies and activities. What
happened? How did we drift away? What can I do to get him to spend time with me
again? But he is right, we don’t share the same likes anymore. I try, but it just does not
work. So now I need to find something we both like, or at least something he enjoys so
I can get as much quality time with him before he moves out and starts his journey to
adulthood.
I have learned that just because my love language is quality time, I have to understand
everyone is not like me. I have to learn to meet people halfway. I also need to learn to
not get disappointed when I schedule some time with folks, and it does not happen. I
have noticed that I get angry and not is not fair. Things happen and I need to be ok with
it. So now, I have learned that spending quality time might need to be with some new
friends or getting involved in the community to get my needs met when I feel like I am
not getting it. Now who wants to come to spend time with me?
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