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Love Language

Love Language

Have you heard about the 5 love languages? Gary

Chapman wrote a book called “The 5 Love Languages,

The Secret to Love that Lasts”.

What are they?

1. Words of Affirmation

2. Physical Touch

3. Receiving Gifts

4. Quality Time

5. Acts of Service

Have you ever taken the quiz to find out your love language? During marital counseling

our counselor had my husband and I take the 5 love language quiz to find out our

personal love language in order to better understand how to love each other. While

taking the quiz and finding out what my love language is, I found out so much about

myself.  The quiz was the missing piece to the Aisha puzzle.  But how does my love

language align with those around me? How can I love someone if we don’t have the

same love language?  

My primary love language is Quality Time.  What does that mean?  Quality time refers

to showing love and affection by spending dedicated time together. For people whose

love language is quality time, nothing says “I love you” like full, undivided attention from

those you love” Gary Chapman, PhD. My idea of quality time is connecting with one

another and being in each other’s space, in a good way. It means cuddling up on the

couch and watching a movie together while sharing a bowl of popcorn. It means

spending time with someone, doing things they like, you like or both of you like. Simply

put…it just means spending time with someone.

Wanting to spend quality time steams back to my childhood.  When I was younger my

my parents divorced, and I lived with my mom.  My dad moved on and had another woman

with kids that he focused his time on.  He would spend a lot of his time with them which

left me out.  I just wanted to spend time with him.  I wanted to matter like they did.  So

often I just wanted to be in his space. I know I have talked about the history of my dad

 so I won’t hash on it too much here. However, not having him spend time with me

had me feeling like an outcast. I did not feel loved. Now that’s not to say I did not get

love from others like my grandfather or bonus dads but that missing piece of my life was

my dad. I wanted that extra sense of love from him. So as I grew up and started dating

I felt like the best way to feel loved by someone is to spend time with them ALL the time.

My husband does not share the same love language as me.  This often causes a

problem for us.  He is used to doing things on his own and I ALWAYS want to do

everything together.  I have been told that it comes off as needy.  But it's ok…I don’t

mind.  I do need that quality time.  I need that companionship.  Now just because my

husband does not share the same love language, we have learned to work through it.  I

have had to learn to put time limits on the time we spend.  But let me tell you, it was not

always easy.  We had to agree on a time frame as I would want the whole day or even

weekend EVERY weekend and he would be like a girl. I need my space. I love being

around him and learning new things about him even after being with him for almost 20

years. But how can I do that if we are not around each other? That was a question I

would have often. How are we learning about each other and loving each other if we

are not spending time together? However, he has shown me that there are other ways

we can do this without being around each other all the time. We have chosen some

T.V. shows that we both like and we dedicate time to watch those programs together.

Sometimes we watch a few episodes and sometimes it’s just one. Now don’t get me

wrong when we only watch one, I kind of get in my feelings because I want more, but I

have to understand it’s a lot for him too.

When I became a mom, I just knew I would never have to worry about quality time with

my kids. I wanted to make sure we spent as much time together as possible. We

would do everything together. We even cleaned the house together, which I am sure

was not their favorite part. Up until they started playing sport all the time, we would do

something almost every weekend. Even if it was a stroll in the apartment complex, I

made sure it was time we spent together. As they got older that time started to dwindle

away. I know my kids love me, but them not wanting to spend time with me anymore

made me feel, ummm not wanted. My heart knows it’s just them growing up and

wanting to do other things outside of being in my space, but head keeps telling me

otherwise. Like I have done with my husband, I need to find a way to still get my quality

time with them but not be so overbearing with it. I don’t have much time as one is

already in college and the other one is 1-short year away from leaving the house. The

other day I had a conversation with my youngest son, and he told me, mom it’s not that I

don’t like spending time with you, it’s just we don’t share the same likes anymore. Oh,

that one hurt me. He was the one that I could always depend on spending time with

me. We used to share the same likes in T.V. shows, movies and activities. What

happened? How did we drift away? What can I do to get him to spend time with me

again? But he is right, we don’t share the same likes anymore. I try, but it just does not

work. So now I need to find something we both like, or at least something he enjoys so

I can get as much quality time with him before he moves out and starts his journey to


I have learned that just because my love language is quality time, I have to understand

everyone is not like me. I have to learn to meet people halfway. I also need to learn to

not get disappointed when I schedule some time with folks, and it does not happen. I

have noticed that I get angry and not is not fair. Things happen and I need to be ok with

it. So now, I have learned that spending quality time might need to be with some new

friends or getting involved in the community to get my needs met when I feel like I am

not getting it. Now who wants to come to spend time with me?

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