Mommy Issues Are A Thing
Mommy issues are a thing.
A real life, hard release, deep processing, full of mess, messy a$$ thing.
And believe me, I know.
My mom did her best. Well, not really but that’s what people like to say and that I would like to believe. The truth is, she did not do her best. She wants me to accept her mediocrity…and for years, I did. And, not only did I accept her mediocrity, I was ok with people giving me their mid-level best while expecting me (and me expecting me) to show up, show out, and give my all.
I’m sure this seems out of context, so let me explain a bit.
My mom was an abuser. In all sense of the word. To this date, her abuse is through the form of manipulation. Even the path for me to get to this Earth (from her actions) was an act of manipulation. She tricked my dad. It worked. I’m here. No regrets about it. But, I know and accept that manipulation is her survival technique. And, if nothing else, that lady knows how to survive.
But get this, when one has a parent that is an abuser…and that abuser is also the primary caretaker, the only way the child can survive (emotionally, physically, spiritually) is through the act of forgiveness, the conscious process of suppression, or the subconscious process of repression. In all elements, there is either an acceptance or denial of the relationship of abuse and care…but the relationship is there.
For me, the things I learned in that relationship, primarily my perception of the act of forgiveness, allowed me to create interesting relationships with “friends.” Some friends, not all…and not most…just some, understood this position. The one that allows me to endure abuse and forgive…so the relationship can survive.
Wait, let’s pause. Get into it.
Maintenance of a friendship = knowing and accepting mistreatment + forgiving the person.
Pretty wrong and distorted, right?
Well it was who I was with some…not all and not most…just some of my friends.
And, in return, I neglected myself because I do not compartmentalize properly. The above mentioned equation was ONLY to be used in the relationship with my mom…and only during my childhood while I was physically and emotionally dependent on her for my survival.
So, let’s bring it back to the present.
Shaquella Robinson was murdered by her “friends.” These same friends recorded or watched her death. These same friends lied to her parents and family members. These were her “some friends.”
Her death triggered me. Who, amongst my friends, would kill me…would watch me die…would record it…would lie to my family? Who are these friends and why do I still have them here?
So I did the deep work. I explored. I made lists. I cried. I recalled. I opened wounds. I was in pain. Deep pain that caused a resurface of my anxiety. Why? Well because I realized the pattern – people would hurt me (intentionally or not) and I would forgive them (because that was my survival technique, my learned and reinforced behavior, because the Church says to “turn the other cheek” and that would be “what Jesus would do,” and…“ain’t forgiveness about you and not the other person?” and then the friendship would maintain…because they would know that they could hurt me and I would forgive (and keep them close) and it would maintain because I felt like a “good person” that doesn’t “hold grudges” or “discard people.”
But here’s the thing – that’s not for me.
Maybe that lesson is for someone else.
See, my position of forgiveness was rooted in forced abuse. I couldn’t leave. I was a vulnerable child with no way out. I had to forgive to survive.
But that’s not who I am anymore. Not just because I am no longer dependent on my mom…but because I have grown up (in age and maturity). I have learned to fulfill my own physical and emotional needs. And, I don’t need “some” friends who would knowingly hurt me because of trauma that was placed in their lives…and I was the easy target because of my own trauma. #traumabonds
And listen, I’m not a blind punk. Nah, I just thought forgiveness was the right thing to do. And, I still believe that it is…but only for a small selected few.
And, keep in mind, that forgiveness has always been connected to “welcoming them back in my life.”
So, over the next year, I plan to explore this more…with myself and with you.
So, come on the journey with me.
And, to date, I’ve sent several “we can no longer be friends” texts (because I believe in direct communication), allowed space for them to process, and then, shut it down. No love loss. No bad energy. Wishing them well and doing well for myself. And, the same is true for my social media pages. Several hundreds of people were removed and my page went back “private.” Everyone can’t have access to me, especially if they hurt me in the past.
Question for you – How have some of your negative childhood experiences shown up in your adult life? How are you processing them? And what are you doing about them?
I hope to hear and heal with you in 2023.